Opposites Attract

I can't help it, I had to do this one in English. Sorry JY and all other praying-I-will-keep-writing-in-chinese people.

You won't know how strong your fear is until you face it again.

I didn't know mine is so strong.
I didn't know I am so insecure.
I didn't know I haven't walked out of my past and let it go.
I didn't know until I realize how clingy I am, and it makes me so sick of myself, even though he said he doesn't mind. 'cause it makes me feel weak, and I hate being weak and can't stand up for myself and be independent in a relationship.
I didn't know.

Questions raised:
Have I really thought about it?
Have I really made the wisest decision?
Can I really handle the risks and handle the differences I thought I would be able to?

I know what it'll entail. I know how different we are. I know that I've chosen a more rocky, less safe path. I know I've let go of someone who is so attuned to me until I'm suspecting mind reading.
I've known this would happen, our differences becoming more and more obvious.
I've known that we would not be a perfect match made in heaven.
I've known what he could be, how much it might hurt.
Not because he's doing it on purpose, but because it's just not his nature to be sensitive to subtleties.

He told me that he isn't who I think he is, who I imagine him to be.
I know.
He told me that he is afraid of hurting me like he hurt the others.
I know.
I knew this would be a challenge.
I knew this wouldn't be easy.
I knew this whole relationship feels on the verge of a cliff.

But I would have done the same if given a second chance. Weird, right?
Sorry but I have no logical explanation for this.

Maybe I'm scared of mind games, of having to play guessing and afraid of manipulation, worried about emotional abuse, all the time. That happens when people know you too well. That happens when people are too good at reading you. That happens with people who have perfect intuition, who knows all your emotional buttons.
Maybe I need someone who is direct with what they want and what they're thinking about. Maybe one being emotional is more than enough.

Being opposites come with a price. There will always be misunderstandings and incomprehension. I still have to get used to him being direct. I have become so used to subtle hints and having to worm the truth out basing on the slightest clues and intuition. You know. People are never direct when they're cheating and trying to manipulate you emotionally. But that is the past, and I've suddenly become oversensitive now when there's no need for it anymore.

Suspecting criticism when it's not there, wondering about sarcasm, reading too much into every little damn thing. I still have to get used to the fact that he'll tell me directly if I'm messing things up, and not to worry when he doesn't say anything.

Opposites do attract. I don't know what it is that he sees in me, but I am attracted to his confidence and living in the present, like not letting the past haunt him even though he has gone through difficult times as well. :)
He's so much stronger and logical than me, most of the time.
And I'm not, most of the time.
And I admire him so much for that, although he couldn't comprehend why.

I hate being seen as weak, like really, really hate. So if you think I am, then you're one of my closest and best friends ever. I trust you enough to love me during my weakest times, in my worst form. And since I'm insecure, that's saying a lot.
I trust you to love me for who I am, and not for who you want me to be.
It's not easy to trust again when someone has broken your trust after you have given it completely.
Even though I know it's a different time, place and person, it's still hard.
You'll always be thinking: when will history repeat itself?

Yes I know that the relationship is still relatively new, if you're talking about us being a couple. And we've already met our first rock. I don't know if it's a good sign or a bad one, but I think it always boil down to your personal reflection of it.

It's good that we've had our first serious conversation early, letting each other know our limits and where we stand and how we really are.
It's good that we know that we'll stand by each other no matter what.
It's good that we know that the other person will love us even in our worst form, even though we know how different we are.
It's good that we have decided to work hard for this relationship, even though it is already obvious it's not going to be an easy task.

It's good to know that you're really serious about us.

I know I'm always too sensitive to everything you say, and every "hurtful" comment is unintentional on your part. Either I read too much into it, or you're just joking. And I get frustrated every time you couldn't catch my hints and I clam up whenever you ask me to tell you directly.
And I'm sorry for that.
But I just want you to know that it doesn't matter to accidentally say the wrong thing as long as you can make me smile afterward.

And I promise I'll try my best to overcome my fears, trust you completely and be confident in us. ;)
Because I love you.