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Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Low Mood

One day, a very long time ago, my mom texted me and asked:

"eh, you okay? You're happy there?"

And I was like:

"yeah! it's super!", totally bemused by her question.

I know why now I guess.

I hadn't thought so much about anything because I was really busy with settling in and seeing the city and talking to people, that even the flimsiest thoughts went through my mind without much notice. And I was happy! There were so many things to do and I actually love my courses - I wasn't forced to do stuff I'm not good at like math or science.

And then a few days ago I realized I might be mildly depressed that I didn't even notice, but which has been persistent throughout my time here. As a psychology student I don't use such terms (like depression and such) easily as it's not the same as being sad for awhile or not feeling well. In fact I didn't even think I wasn't happy until I thought back and found that I hadn't been really happy at any time.

And I don't think I'm over not getting into my first choice.

Well yeah, it wasn't what I initially wanted, and I hadn't even considered applying in the first place, and I never thought I'd get in, and it wasn't like my childhood dream or anything, which was why I was weirded out to realize I'm still thinking about it every few days, on my way to classes, or some place else. I don't even linger on those thoughts; I put them out and just did my usual things. But I guess it has somehow affected my daily life, especially after my exams.

I was reflecting back on it and thinking why I had no motivation to study for it at all - I know I can pass it, but I didn't have the motivation to get 100% like I always did in the past. And it's not that I don't like the course, in fact it's my favourite course of all, and I was more than excited to do the assignment (I finished it in the first four days when we were given the two-month deadline assignment lol).

I felt like I'm disappointed in myself, but I just don't really think about it. I hate myself for not being able to reach where I could go. It's like fingers slipping off a cliff - I was so close. I thought I wouldn't feel like this, after all I didn't really care whether I'm there or not before this, but I do. There's this thorn in my chest that's been always there. I love this place, I really do. But the very existence of me being here is proof that I'm not there, I can't be there.

I felt that I've always been depressed about it ever since I got my results, but I was just too busy settling scholarship matters (and it's super annoying too), relationship matters, hobby matters, UK matters, university matters and I don't have the time to mope around. I told myself then that I would get my ass here no matter what, because I've worked so much for so long just for a chance to fly overseas. I kept telling myself that even though it's a second choice, I'm still where most people wanted forever to go to.

But now I doubt that it's any better (ok I know it's better but still I don't feel as happy as I should). Well if I had a really really really good friend, I could tell myself that in order to meet him/her here, I have to be here. But until now I feel that every single thing here is replaceable, like, there isn't even a reason why I'm fated to go down this path, except for the fact that I can't go that way.

It's not a happy thing to lose oneself. Like I've always told myself that I still have me no matter what happens to me - people hate me people dislike me people talk about me people laugh at me, I don't give a shit because I can achieve whatever I want and do whatever I like. But I don't now. Sometimes it's not even the thing itself, more like the concept of me wanting to get to the highest I can go, and anything below it can't fulfil my hopes even if they end up largely being the same.

It's just a rant. Logical advice (like, aiya go out more and meet people, aiya go and join more stuff, aiya it's not that great anyway) not welcomed unless you're bloody sure you can make me feel better. I'm obviously trying to make myself feel better everyday, I'm not wallowing, like I said it's just occasional flimsy thoughts and an overall low mood.

Hugs are welcomed though! ((hugs
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Monday, December 14, 2015

2.5次元的世界

那天交到一个曾经是coser的朋友,本来兴奋地认为在这里终于有个同好可以聊一堆动漫的东西。 过后发现她其实是腐女 (就是喜欢看BL男男恋的作品),之前发现到是因为看到她有跟踪baozi hana 的instagram 然后就找个机会提起。我不是腐女也没有看BL的习惯,不过还是可以接受啦我也没在意。

聊着聊着 问起她怎么退cos圈了,她说因为资金不够而且cos圈的人不友善,去会场也很多负面的事情 买周边都会发生不愉快的事 然后很难交朋友。好吧这个我承认有多半是没错的,很多时候感觉自己都不懂在玩什么 进cos圈是为了什么 然后就想退圈 回到三次元的生活。

不过我还是很爱呆在2.5次元的面子书户口,三次元的那个开了5年多自从有第二个户口后就这样给我冷落了,然后我就告诉这个朋友我很喜欢cos的户口,因为感觉到自己比较重要,就 如果消失了至少常关注点久了会注意到 (有些人消失了我也是有注意到),而且同个 status 打两边,在2.5次元的户口里就算只见过一两次 甚至没见过,也会按赞留言很有亲切感。

然后她说,
哦你只是要别人按赞博关注吧。

那时我真的心塞,然后就很反对很生气她那样说 (虽然表面上只是笑笑带过)。之后心想是不是因为我真的这样认为然后被人看穿不敢承认?想了很久,虽然我不是那个意思不过我无法解释为什么我喜欢别人的留言 喜欢别人按赞的肯定 喜欢别人的关注。也意识到 “想被关注” 已经变成了贬义词,可是我就是没有那些做作耍白痴的帖子,我只是在做我喜欢做的东西也希望大家喜欢。。。

然而就突然中枪了,在对方看来只是要人家按很多的赞那样地自恋博关注。

难道我们要活到互相冷落的地步才算正常吗?

三次元的大家都说 不按赞 不留言 是因为自己的生活很忙 看过就算 没有时间去按赞留言
那我想问 你们怎么不会忙到连面子书都不上去删啊?
面子书是社交平台 冷清清的户口要来干嘛

有时候(好吧是很多时候)不喜欢三次元的世界 因为不喜欢那种时常做作的气氛 不是我不能融入,是觉得融入了也好像没什么意义。要参与他们 就要假假去喜欢去配合他们的兴趣,他们的话题,很不自由的那种,很多约束。可是在cos圈的生活就不一样,没有人会在意你喜欢男男恋,女女恋,伪郎伪娘伪动物等等,女生打game男生收集美美的珍藏品都好,大家的思想都比较开放。玩在一起同团过就是朋友,买过一次二手就是朋友,常留言关注就是好友。。。

当然cos圈也有乱有各种drama的时候,互相喷来喷去也是常有的现象,不过到最后众人还是可以玩得乐在其中,只要有努力过就好。对衣架子(就那些完全不懂动漫可是偏偏要cos其角色)睁一只眼就好,反正对cos没有真正的爱也容易腻了很难在圈子呆很久。

最开心也就是得到肯定被别人说还原的时候,人家看到本命(自己最喜欢的角色)会想到我的时候,去到会场被人兴奋勾搭还对我说 “在面子书关注好久终于勾搭到你了!要合照!” 或者是 “竟然抓到一只 xx! 好喜欢这个角色呀!” 或者是 “啊啊啊终于有人出这版本这角色好开心!”  的时候, 那种感觉是在三次元的生活很难感受到的。

为了还原的照片或者是更好的角度 要我爬山爬墙爬栏杆爬树下稻田下沟渠下海都没问题。。

嗯想说的就是这样吧 :) 当然有被拒绝的时候,不过那是让我更还原的动力,真的努力到很好的话有天会被关注的我知道!

所以那个朋友(其实不算朋友)说了什么我都忘了哈哈哈。
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Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Freshers

It's been around three weeks since I've arrived, and I've yet to post anything here. I guess everything's been a bit overwhelming even if I didn't show it, especially with all the initial sorting out of important stuff. And things are kinda turbulent in my personal life also so I suppose I didn't feel right to post anything.


Hmm...I've been thinking how to write this -first post- , do I write a list of what I like and don't like, or do I write out a bunch of messy paragraphs of how I felt/feel, or do I explain what I've done and am doing? I don't think anybody cares too much lah haha so I'm just gonna say whatever that comes to mind.

The journey here was a bit chaotic. Before I even got my air ticket, I spent a month chasing JPA for my scholarship application as there were too many for them to process, and not everything can be efficiently get sorted without some sort of persistence. It's kind of my fault also as I was waiting for Oxford's official reply (erm I was one point short of their conditional offer, which in turn, in one subject I was one mark short of a grade 7...which was extremely disappointing but I won't go into that). So the whole process was dragged even though my IB results came out a month earlier than A-levels results.

Anyway I ended up going to Edinburgh. I won't say I'm not disappointed, because I am since it was missed so damn narrowly, but as I've said in this blog and everywhere else lots of times, applying to Oxford was an unplanned thing and getting the offer was unpredicted, so I guess I'm not feeling as terrible as someone who might have been dreaming of it since they were born.

I might make a post on my whole experience with the application if I remember, but feel free to ask (any Oxford hopefuls lel). Don't ask me about IB though, my grades suck hahahahaha.

I've never been much of a homesick person, imho if I'm that sort of person I would've stayed home (like some of my friends) and not torture myself, so I can never understand homesick people (sorry!). Like why would you want to fly overseas if you miss home and food and weather so much. It's supposed to be a new experience, so just enjoy it to the max while you still can lah.

Since I'm a JPA scholar I flew with a bunch of people from KL to London, which was a 13-hour flight and terrifyingly boring. I alternated between eating, sleeping, watching movies, playing games and listening to songs, and wishing it's only 13 minutes instead lol. There were two other Edinburgh students with me (we flew four days later than most people). We had to take a transit two-hour flight to Edinburgh from London, which we missed (because the customs check took too long) and then our second flight got delayed because the pilot came in late.

So we reached Edinburgh around 1am.

And I -wonderfully- lost my phone in the taxi.

And I experienced, on my first night, what it's like to run around -in a tshirt- in the freezing cold trying desperately to find my phone (not so much because I need it but more like it's my treasured belonging) and getting lost in the dark.

And what it's like to cry not because I miss home but because I lost my phone.

I also experienced the amazing kindness of some freshers who helped me carry all my luggage and find my room for me. And some who found my House for me when I was struggling to see in the dark.

So my first night was literally bittersweet.


Fast forward- I met a lot of new people from all over the world, the community here is just so, so, SO international. I live in catered residence, so I get buffet-styled breakfast and dinner everyday. Which has a lot of choices but gets boring after nearly a month. But I don't really care about food (no I don't miss Malaysian food) so as long as I don't have to cook to keep myself full I'm happy hahahaha.

I got myself a new phone and try to save for the following month because it cost a month's worth of allowance (means skipping lunch, but now I'm planning to smuggle lunch from breakfast instead :v)

I had rice pudding for the first time and it's as terrible as Enid Blyton said in her children's books.

I wandered around in the beautifully ancient city with its cobblestone streets and old architecture, by myself because I prefer it that way. All the freedom I want to stop whenever I like and change my mind anytime I like.

I got myself a UK number with an unlimited data plan (which is really cool because I can stream songs on youtube without worrying about running out of quota).

I got lost for two hours on the second day of my arrival while walking to campus by myself because I went the wrong direction and couldn't get myself out of that area because I didn't have any internet access. (which scared me into going around with pre-downloaded maps for a few days).


I opened a bank account which took annoyingly forever. I got myself matriculated into my university. I met my Personal Tutor. I went to my first lectures and they were far better than I expected - the lecturers I have (right now) are great at keeping us interested.

Oh I'm taking a joint honours (aka double major) degree in Psychology and Linguistics.
Psychology is the scientific study of the human mind.
Linguistics is the study (sometimes scientific) of speech, language and communication. No it is not the study of any one specific language. It's the study of the technical universal aspects of language. Seriously, even linguistics students confuse themselves (I know people here who study linguistics because they want to improve their English wtf).

why do I always torture myself by involving myself in stuff that are always misunderstood and nobody really knows about like IB and Linguistics? then I have to explain everything to every single person who asks.

I know for a fact that University of Edinburgh has one of (if not) the best linguistics department and undergraduate degree experience in the world. If I remember correctly it topped the UK ranking table for linguistics recently. Also undergraduate because it has a good balance of both theoretical and applied linguistics modules unlike Oxbridge (that focuses strongly on theoretical) But now I think I came to the right place to study Psychology too because it has a huge Differential Psychology department (which deals with areas like personality and intelligence) and I'm super interested in Jung's Psychological Types so yeah it's rather exciting.


I'm also taking an outside course this semester (aka elective/minor) in Japanese (uh it's just the Foundation Level1 for now but if possible I'm planning to master it with higher level courses during my time here).

Why Japanese - because I love the pop culture and I don't have to go out of my way to revise -can just do that in my free time when I watch anime and shiz) and also learning a new language helps me understand Linguistics modules far easier. Like for example there are voiced and voiceless syllables in Japanese (they actually stress this through their hiragana word characters) and this aspect is taught in phonetics in linguistics.

I got myself some new essential textbooks (just two lol I'm super lucky) and two small introductory graphic guides to Jung and Chomsky. I also got myself a new printer -which has proved to be super useful-, and a reusable coffee cup that gives 20p off any drink used with that cup in uni cafes. And I couldn't keep myself off pretty stationeries so I got some too haha.

I think it's interesting how the house fences are more for decoration and to show property boundaries than actual protection because they are all so short (anyone can just climb in lol). I think it's a really safe city to have all the houses look like this.


Edinburgh is also a very pedestrian-friendly (and cyclist-friendly) city as there are dedicated zebra crossings every.where. You don't ever get to see that in Malaysia lol. And yes drivers actually stop at zebra crossings so feel safe to cross haha.

It's also very dog-friendly as there are many parks and gardens randomly among shops for dogs to run in. The city is (as far as I can see) free of modern skyscrapers and most buildings are only a few storeys high (and they all look beautifully old), which is fascinating to note as it is the capital city of Scotland and we know most capital cities are modernised everywhere. It's totally weird how there's only one dedicated Apple store here.

They also have a lot of charity shops (where people donate preloved items which are sold and the proceeds go to a specific foundation) so it's really easy to find cheap preloved stuff like clothes.

I'm not sure if the Scots are any different from the English people from England, but I think they're really friendly and also some of the stereotypes of English people. Like most of them are so polite, to the point of sarcasm if they are offended.


By the way, the United Kingdom is made up of England, Scotland and North Ireland.

Yes I'm in UK. No I'm not in England.

Will post more again~
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Tuesday, August 4, 2015

吐槽文。外拍烦恼。

这是另外一篇情绪化的吐槽文。不喜勿看。对号入座是你的自由。
既然我很少在这里发文了我觉得我可以在这里说一下故事发泄。
如果你们看了觉得我很小气的话就随便啦
这个部落格一开始也是让我自由没有目的写东西的。。


就~我cosplay 常常会出去外拍。然后有个摄影师。。常常一直说bojio (没约我)去外拍
不是我不要~是每次都没办法约拍~

我不介意被约,我也很开心的,因为我不是什么红人也不是什么大小姐
我出角有人想拍我是很感激的。

不过如果你真的要拍你就实际地来找我安排啊
不要一直在我照片上bojio bojio 走去拍什么的
然后expect 我pm你 。。
好吧既然他要我pm, 有一次我就pm他约拍 (拍东条希)
他说可以,不过时间地点什么都是我负责 好吧我负责了,问他意见哪里比较适合他说不知道不清楚不懂 =.=
下星期一我需要把东条希的服装寄出去给朋友了 绝对不能拖这个外拍
星期三我问他:星期五行吗?
他说他要去爬山,星期六应该可以。不过要等到星期五才确定因为怕爬山回来懒惰想睡。。walao 这什么态度,不过也ok 咯。

东条希 costest

然后我星期三当天发了 东条希costest 上fb,我蓝颜就突然找我拍 (因为他要学)然后他直接说星期五可以
因为我急着要拍就ok 咯一起去。而且那另个摄摄没有跟我confirm所以我也不懂能不能,怕他ffk我就惨了。

星期五外拍完毕发东条希的图的时候摄摄当然就说 bojio。然后我说 你不是爬山吗星期五 然后他说哦cancel了那个 ~
walao, 你cancel了想拍不会直接pm我吗,我是你的谁我怎么知道你cancel了你的计划? @@ bojio是我的错吗?
我就说我累了星期六不要拍了 因为星期五爬树什么的拍了一整天
然后他竟然说:啊我以为明天只是寻地点罢了
我当时很想爆粗(最后没有)还好我没相信你?还好我没依靠你。不然我不是没得外拍了吗?

那天东条希的外拍

之后继续plan其他外拍...我没交通(父母不可能载我去外拍)然后他问我我住在哪里?他就说好远,要来我这里拍。不过这里有什么好拍?除了稻田。
CC 牧女版本勉强可以,不过东西都还没到怎么拍??


我发旧照,kl那边的照片,c2age照片,你统统说bojio bojio bojio
什么意思?在别人眼里 就是他一直bojio就是我一直”拒绝“

而且我在这里没交通的所以如果要拍需要有人载我 除非
-那个地点我可以搭巴士到
-我衣服不太招摇可以普通上巴士 (like 校服
你不可能要我穿到超级豪华上巴士吧=.=

黑雪姬蝴蝶costest

那天发黑雪姬蝴蝶版costest 到fb, (以上), 你问几时要拍,我说这个要等 (因为很露容易走光我要有充足的准备什么所以应该是明年)
第二天拍黑雪姬校服版 又被说bojio
还说 hurt到,受伤,严重内伤什么的
wtf, 这次的外拍不是我的主意,这个是其中一个摄摄约我
不过他会主动找我 pm我讨论要拍什么去哪里拍还自己去那个地点看看
然后还找到两个摄摄来帮忙,其中一个又能来载我~

今天已经有 三个 (THREE) 摄摄拍我一个人已经够到不要够了加上不是我的plan我怎么好意思再jio多一个你说是不是

黑雪姬的三个摄摄~ 请无视我累垮表情!

好吧就算我不需要也不应该内疚
不过我也觉得不好意思
所以我pm说 走去拍
他竟然 seenzone 我
卧槽
我真的生气了这次

bojio的时候,是我在KL拍/旧照/别人约我/本来就不想拍这版本/东西没到
jio你的时候,你根本没有动力去做摄摄该做的功课,也没交通载我。
我到底得罪了你哪个敏感部分?
在众人眼里我就是一直拒绝你的那个
不过没有人看到我其实每次都是没!办!法!
不是不要!
为何我不要?
曾经跟你外拍过一次照片我也很喜欢
为什么我要针对你?
为什么我要拒绝你?
Orz

有时候
你没这个意思 别人也可以扭曲事实
我觉得这样无奈和委屈
比你更受伤
更 “内伤”
 photo michelinsig_zpsa49edca5.png

伤感情的钱

这是一篇情绪文 不喜勿看

其实我越来越是个和平主义者
在友情里通常只要不太过分我通常就算生气过了一下就会原谅没事了
不过最近(就昨天)发生了一件伤感情的事
让我很失望
我觉得我可以原谅,因为很少东西可以让我恨死一个人
不过我不得不承认我有些受伤

事情是这样的
这位朋友是一枚挚友 很好的朋友那样
通常我们都会把钱借来借去也不在意几时还钱
然后就这次他要我帮他从淘宝买东西 我们的东西一起同个包裹
东西的钱他给了
然后到了仓库,要从中国运来大马时 要给运费
那个运费他的份是50块
+ 到我这里然后我要本地运给他大概 10几块我算10就好 如果多出来我也没计较
所以总共60
然后东西是需要付钱才能运,我又急需我自己的货

跟他说我急要求尽快汇款
我的份我已经汇款了
然后他说他有工作明天才汇款 好吧我这里先出钱付给代购
让东西先过来
然后我朋友可以进回我的户口还钱

其实我也没太介意,不过之后发现到我遗失了一对美瞳
需要买过 而且急需买过 因为有外拍需要用到
然后因为我其他的钱已经有budget好了 (就我没想到会遗失掉)
美瞳的钱(大概40块)必须从他那边的60来
所以我就说 钱急需了,求尽快汇款
因为是好朋友我又不好意思催,所以是每两天催一次这样
然后他每次都说 好,可以,没问题
不过就是没汇款

好吧你工作很忙就算了
不过你还发了去玩游戏之类的照片
明明有空去mall玩 游戏 不过没空去mall的atm进钱?
然后拖了一个星期 东西到的前一天我说 求汇款,明天东西收到后天有出去寄给你
他说没问题
东西到的那天再跟你说
你说了什么?你竟然用那种 “钱我会进的啦!”语气跟我说?
wtf
我不是每天可以寄货,我说明天寄就明天寄 然后那个东西那么重 我也不确定运费需要多少
严重不爽你了
然后跟你说 以前你催的时候第一时间就还钱
现在催一个星期都不理不睬
有问题就说有问题不要说没问题你可以!
需要时间就给个时间!
为什么要无期限拖我?我就是以为你第二天会去汇款才没问你几时可以


然后你竟然说
-难道你们不相信我到最后会进钱吗?
-60 那么小数目你急用这个根本就不明显
-你从来没说过你急需
-我现在立刻去你满意了吗

walao这什么态度?好心好气跟你说 你居然更凶
厉害咯 我从来没说过很急?我明明说我急需包裹的东西,叫你去进,你说OK 然后很久后跟我说你忙不能,明天。
帮你付了过后发现需要到那笔钱 你跟我说可以,等等,然后拖我。
不是不相信你,是我需要那笔钱!如果我土豪到半死银行有600块你觉得我会一直催你?
如果你觉得这是小数目,难道你不能去玩游戏的时候顺路就去还?
你有的是车,有的是自由
你也会说这么小件事,你不会去处理?

不还就算了
还给我这种自以为是的态度
请问整件事你对在哪里 我错在哪里
如果那个包裹没我的东西
我才不去管你几时要付运费。

就是看在你是我挚友 我免费乐意帮你处理到完 extra一分钱也没算账
结果当我催钱表示不满的时候
你第一时间不是道歉
而是凶
我看错你了吗?
 photo michelinsig_zpsa49edca5.png

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Cosplay 这一路

这一篇是蓝颜叫我跟他一起在cosplay正能量这新的专页投稿写的。

然后闲着没事做写了就来这里发咯 反正我没写过然后在这里我大多数都很懒惰发文 哈哈
就那种我很想写  不过不懂要写什么

当然这里的version我会改一些, 加了很多比较私人的想法和一些负面的感受 (我觉得如果我发负面的东西给他们会被骂哈哈

注:
二次元= 2D 人物,就是角色等等
二次元朋友/世界=cos界
三次元=3D 人物也就是生活上的各种人/家人/学校朋友/工作同事

-

今天我来说故事是要说个跟大众不一样的故事。感觉这里发文的coser 很多都是因为在三次元里是 “透明人物” (就是那些可有可无没人注意的人)然后进入cos界后才找到自己的 “价值” 和属于自己的地方.
其实我自己在三次元的世界里不算太透明,通常都是自己内向选择不想参人,不过还是有一些朋友和一堆兴趣什么的。

我不太记得是为了什么而加入cos圈。我不是一出生就认识动漫的,小时候连digimon和dragonball也只听过没有看。动漫和二次元的世界是学院朋友介绍的。人家2006年看的《死亡笔记》我2014年才接触到。是真的有够迟钝。那也是我第一个看的动漫作品 (不算doraemon 和 pokemon比较卡通的),随之就被吸引到了。原来动漫有类似作品!我还以为动漫画风就是像蜡笔小新的那种 (我不喜欢那种画风)然后就只有搞笑的~ 哈哈哈。



过后就看了 Steins;Gate 和 叛逆的鲁鲁修 这两部 根本!超爱!然后又追了SAO 两季,Accel World, Love Live! , 地狱少女。。越来越多哈哈。从认识动漫开始我就知道有cosplay的存在,因为身边有cos着和曾经cos过的朋友。当然在我好奇之下也问了他们很多,不过从来没想过自己会去cos。也许是第一次去到的AMG event,  当时只是陪朋友去看看 然后去Animenz的演唱会,然后在那边突然就看到了很多很多很多的coser。。在准备,在化妆,在拍照,在谈天。。那时我的想法只有一个:去哪里躲着看好?哈哈也许看到那么多不认识的coser真的有恐惧感哈哈 不过还是很好奇想看啦~ 会场也是每个摊位都看一下在卖什么在宣传什么。

之后一直都不敢真正对cos下手,因为身边退圈的朋友都很不鼓励 – 太黑暗了,太闹drama了,太多复杂的人了,太多色影师了,弄到我也怕怕 而且一踏入肯定是不认识人的,等下被骗掉怎么办?就因为怕被退圈的朋友骂所以一直都远远看着。

第一套cos服和毛是二手的,是我很喜欢的角色。那时不懂说了什么朋友就把我加入cos买卖群叫我自己去看看,看到的当然是一堆没看过的角色的东西。当然也看到很多很漂亮的服装,不过我很清楚有角色的服装是不可以乱穿的(现在的新手好像是想穿啥就穿?),所以我看看就好。 之后突然看到有人在卖二手的CC困束服,然后又看到适合她的绿长直毛在卖,觉得应该放手一试就兴奋地买下了。买了后还是怕朋友会骂 (如果没有他们的支持我进不了圈子) 就藏着很久。

第一次的外拍是在朋友的屋子给朋友拍,第一次的化妆也不是我亲手的,是会化妆的朋友帮我的。值得吐槽吧?不过那时我玩得真的很开心,也很感谢他们从来没让我自身自灭。因为有他们我的处女作品才不会那么崩,我才有动力继续正式踏入圈子。

处女作 - CC

不过接下来的CFMini 是在槟城,帮我化妆的朋友不可能去到那么远,所以她借了我一些化妆品叫我自己化 哈哈哈 然后我就这样去cos了。我cos的是SAO亚斯娜,东西也都是二手的,然后因为是第一个event 也没学过costest这东西,真的崩了。假发不会pin好,胸甲不会固定,妆也gg 的状态 如果我没说我生气我烦恼是假的。CFM也是我第一次看到那么多的手工品 (害我当时一口气买了很多) 。也是我第一次受到那么多合拍要求,我觉得自卑的人也会马上自信起来吧!真的真的很感谢没嫌弃我崩还那么多人围拍,因为在那刻我决定为了回馈他们我以后要还原好好来。

然后重大问题来了。因为有照片,所以回来后在fb被tag。然后我用的是三次元的户口。当三次元的朋友看到我的cos照时有好多是吓到的,这个我觉得是非常正常的事情,不过让我最震惊的是原来有那么多假面人在我户口里。我甚至还把他们当朋友。他们无法接受然后每次遇到时不时都会用这个来嘲笑我。或许是我神经太细腻,太敏感于他们的comment。不过有时候我会觉得他们的思想很狭窄。不瞒你说我个人学业一直都不错,所以大家都以“你(整天读书的)也会去玩cos? 你也会看动漫?” 这样来问我。每次我做出令人无法理解的事情(例如:有男朋友,会看球赛,会玩dota)的时候大家都会认为我只是跟风,我只是衣架子。 然后每次遇到他们都会用异样眼神看我再讽刺我cos的角色一下,所以我干脆开了二次元的户口。

CFM 的亚斯娜

开了后我轻松了许多,不需要在新的户口戴面具,想说什么就说,想加谁就加。就这样我默默学会化妆(双眼皮贴和假睫毛我还真的半年才学会),学会深入研究角色的表情和姿势,学会上淘宝购买,学会买卖二手来回米,学会在会场勾搭人交友等等。虽然说我有cos前辈的朋友,不过一直都感觉他们有他们自己的圈子 ~ 就跟新手coser有那种井水不犯河水的感觉,而且很难亲近? 就他们会很不耐烦而且打听听说他们不喜欢现在的coser后辈,说我们衣架说我们没礼貌什么的。。 所以我很多也都是自己撞来撞去学到的。其实我真的希望他们能指导我们让cos界不要有代沟啦。虽然我才刚加入不久不过我也会劝告/回答比我还新手的coser的问题。。毕竟我也曾经是新手曾经也很糊涂很迷茫过。。

我不会说我是个和平主义者,因为我很多时候也想吐槽那些不会进步的人只是我又懒惰又容易原谅别人就不会搞drama。Cos 对我来说是什么呢?说真的有好多次想放弃,因为手残不会手缝也不是很会做道具更没时间学我想学的盔甲。而且我对自己有很高的还原要求所以崩了一次就对自己心灰一次。再来就是家人和朋友偶尔异样的眼光也不可能完全看不到的。不过我还是常常呆在二次元的户口 更喜欢二次元的朋友 然后也没有完全放弃 因为总觉得cos是一种纾解生活上平时的压力的办法。身为优等生的我有各种家人学校朋友的施压(真的会想死的那种),有时累了一开二次元fb 就可以转移心情。(开三次元的好像根本没东西看哈哈) 如果说人家是缝出自己的衣服很兴奋,我也想说我存钱/卖二手得到的钱拿来买cos服拿到包裹的时候也很兴奋!

兴奋ing~~~

我个人不想用各个方式博红,如果真的要红我只想是因为我的还原度让同好非常欣赏罢了。我不懂还可以在cos圈呆多久,不过我知道的是我还有很多坑哈哈哈哈。我也很感谢一直支持我cos的朋友,二次元也好三次元也好,还有那些我做错了会原谅我的。然后我很内向所以户口加的人都没过400,大家都觉得很少,不过我自认为质量比较重要(所以那天删了100个没关注我我也没关注的)

希望正能量可以一直传下去,让cos界越来越健康,健康到可以改变外界对我们的印象 :)

-

我会一直一直cos下去
不了解的亲朋好友我都会耐心的跟你们解释
cos界是要踏入才懂得的 所以我知道你们不了解是没问题的。
不过真的不要鄙视coser, 他们为了追求还原他们用心的程度你们无法理解的 .-.  他们不是不良少年,不是因为没事做来cos,跟所谓的“健康爱好” 没什么不同
就比如你学钢琴 花费那么多 学到的是弹钢琴,来纾解压力,也不能赚钱除非真的修读/教学。
我cos 花费也很多 学到的是化妆/缝衣/做道具盔甲/摄影 等等 学到的更多 有更多出路 虽然也不太能赚钱不过真的要是可以赚的。
然而你们又为什么觉得学钢琴的孩子不坏 cos的孩子会坏?请用开放的思想去思考。。如果说cosplay这个兴趣不实际,你们哪个兴趣实际了?很多兴趣也只是兴趣~ 也是让生活充实罢了 何乐不为?(话说我想学钢琴很久了omg
 photo michelinsig_zpsa49edca5.png

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Cos 和颜值 的关系



我其实很不喜欢在面子书上吐槽人
除非我真的很很忍不住
部落格上写我觉得舒服很多 ((因为没人看 哈哈哈
就 不会有人对号入座
这样就不会有人搞我的drama
我很怕drama ((因为没有顶我的人 哈哈哈


总之在这里可以很自由地说我想说的
写我想写的
没赞没关注也没关系
面子书根本就是害我爱面子要一堆赞来炫耀 = =

这次想说的是颜值  其实在社会里人们注重的都是颜值
不过在 cos 界根本就泛滥
简单来说颜值高就是说你很漂亮很帅
稍微外向一点根本就红人了名气超高
在cos 界 很容易交到朋友 也很容易找到愿意外拍的摄影师
因为颜值高,不用photoshop 照片都能美到200个赞起跳
妆再烂也OK 因为自然美不需要靠化妆补救


然而重点来着 :还原度呢?
我跟你说,cos 界 分两种人
第一种是觉得还原度很重要的
第二种是为了要反第一种人太极端的思想而认为还原度不重要
那我来问你,不想还原的话cos来干嘛?
不要说有爱就好,有爱就要力求还原
真的有爱 自己肥cos苗条角色也会超不甘心想办法努力减肥 (我是指健康地减肥pls)
真的有爱 会甘心毁了自己心目中的女神男神?

然而颜值高名气太高冲昏了这些人的脑 不要说你们不想红
不想红就不会天天写状态上传照片博赞
就连我也有想红的想法 只不过我超懒惰勾搭人招待人所以红不起哈哈哈哈
(根本99%内向没办法lol)
说一个例子就好
之前看到一个有名气的摄摄 上传一张照片 里面三个有名气 cosers(就那种page赞 1000以上的本地coser)
其中一位cos的是Love Live 的 Nozomi
照片上传不到一小时就200多个赞
不过重点是那位Nozomi 拿的竟然是
扑克牌!扑克牌!扑克牌!
看过Love Live 的人都知道Nozomi 的特点是算命
算命用扑克牌?
倒是第一次听过
塔罗牌和扑克牌那么难分吗?
一个拿来赌博 一个拿来算命
根本让我气到不想吐槽也要吐槽
找不到塔罗卡背后原版的设计图还好 (因为我个人也找了很久还要发信求别的coser要她弄的设计图 因为我不大会画)
难道塔罗牌你买不到?买不到就自己制作啊。。。。


然而这些那么明显的错误都没人看到
因为coser 颜值高 只要脸蛋漂亮都OK
然后很多想反还原的人就说玩得开心就好不用什么还原
那去cos OC 角色啊 (original character)不用怕还原不还原
还原度是其中一个最重要的进步空间不是吗 .-.

还有就是摄影师喜欢拍颜值和名气高的coser
先别说认不认识你 他们会先去查你的profile
他们对角色有没有爱也不管了
你出名 他们就拍你 因为他们也想出名
有些摄摄放 想拍的角色 的相册
不过两个陌生coser 来求拍同个角色 一个颜值高 一个普通
你觉得摄摄会接受哪个?

我很少要求拍摄 所以很少遇到这种情况
当然也被拒绝过 也被接受过
不过有名气的摄摄 都只拍认识的很熟的来来去去那几个名气高coser
有没有想过 新手才是最需要被你们认可的?
看着一些有潜能的coser 彻底被拒绝
根本就
觉得
这世界
无可救药
 photo michelinsig_zpsa49edca5.png

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

一瞬间的热情

潜水着好久没上来了
是很有空,不过因为发生了一些事情而忧郁然后就没心情写部落格
虽然说很多时候写着是为了抒发心情
不过真正忧郁的时候只想发呆,睡觉,打那些不用用脑想太多的game
跟朋友吐槽诉苦嘛这个也要看对方是谁
不是每个人都能聆听不随便说话 这个之前我就学到了。


真的羡慕那些可以在面子书发一堆emo的status
我发一次就觉得自己很悲惨 为什么要让全世界知道自己是多么地自卑?
常常就报喜不报忧 每次都是放个笑脸跟别人聊天
就算每分每刻心像被刺了一刀那样

部落格很少认识我的人会看 有关系的人更不知道我有这部落格
部落格的名字也跟我面子书的名字没什么关系
所以不用担心会给他看到
不过如果他有天那么有缘看到 他就会知道我是多么的在意 多么的心痛

说了那么多 重点其实就是我又失去了个知心朋友
为什么说 又 失去呢 是因为在过去的时候我愚蠢地跟知心朋友交往
然后分手了然后尴尬了然后没聊了
然后那些分手的经过只是纯粹几天的伤心
不过最遗憾至今的是从此再也没聊了 而且真正懂我的人有几个?那么容易取代?

然而这次我觉得自己很厉害 既然有男朋友了就不可能交往
如果从来没交往过就不会分手 不会分手就不会尴尬 不会尴尬就不会失去

而我也对他说过 我不会跟知心朋友交往 因为我真的再也不想为了热恋而失去?
因为我学到很重要的一点:知心朋友和男朋友不一样
对感情的要求总是比较高 个性比较野蛮 也不会那么随和
所以谈得来不代表合得来

结果还是为了个误会失去了
不知道是因为那个误会 还是可能他觉得他喜欢上我了?
可能两者都是
可能他觉得聊天会对不起我的relationship?
我追寻着个纯友谊
虽然如果我没男朋友的话 我觉得会喜欢上他?因为他为人真的很好很好很好
不过只是做个知心的朋友 也很好
知心的朋友 不会尴尬不会失去
不过他应该不是这样想 所以远离了我 这我也没怪
虽然我知道 朋友不能强求 好的朋友不管误会吵架还是会回头
然而我觉得误会中也有我的错 处事不当


其实整个事情 也没怪他
不过那天过后就很很很depressed
自认识以来常常会联络会聊那些很废却很好笑的东西
因为他半工半读 工作时间也不定时 聊天的时间也不定时
我也不知不觉记起上班下班时间
因为真的很好聊
虽然大半的话题都很废很中二 不过也算是一种蓝颜
中二的蓝颜 哈哈哈哈哈

然而再也没找我聊后 那些废话就这样消失了
虽然我们都没提起感情的事 我也猜得到怎么一回事 不过我就这样放着 因为要怎么开口?
那晚他晚班 我们没像之前那样聊 不过他share了我介绍他唯一的一首歌
而且那是emo歌 .-.
接下来的好多天 我都闷着 (考完试呆在家的闷)
曾经可以从下午聊到晚上 那种忘记时间的聊天 你有过吗?
心真的很痛
不是分手的痛 是失去的痛 (好像没什么不同)

然后感觉写到这里想澄清一下
我们一直都是基友的关系 喜欢同样的动漫 喜欢同样的歌曲 喜欢同样的笑话
跟我自己的relationship毫无关系
所以不要误会!
虽然跟男朋友也天天都聊 不过聊的是不同的东西
我说的喜欢 是可能 如果我单身
然而我说他的喜欢 应该是达到个极限 聊不下了 才会这样
有时桃花运好不是个好事哈哈
太多人注定失去 因为应该没有喜欢我的人愿意成为我的蓝颜
所以我一直都没有蓝颜 哈哈哈哈哈哈
只有比较要好的男性朋友

每次一靠近任何人 都会发生这种事情
之前一个前男友说过 - 不要对人太好 不要随意对任何人太善良
或许这是真的 我应该学习如何收敛下热情
不对任何人那么好?
不懂
平时我都很内向对陌生人不太热情
除非聊得来的那些


没拥有过就不会失去 我宁可从来没认识过 也不要一瞬间的热情。。。
虽然也说我不后悔认识过
因为至少曾经有过那么聊得来的一个朋友。。。

你要的比我要的多
给不到你要的,我真的内疚
我懂我不需要内疚不需要责怪自己
不过就是内疚
只希望你记得我们之前聊过的一切 出去玩过的一切
那几个月的回忆
然后只想说 我很很很想念跟你聊个痛快
你不会知道 因为我在你能看到的世界呈现出继续快乐下去的一面
那个你喜欢的乐观
那个你喜欢的善良
那个你喜欢的可爱

(不过我真的不是你理想中的小女人)

每个人是独一无二的 而我无法找到能取代你的人
就算我们的关系很普通。
 photo michelinsig_zpsa49edca5.png

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

心灰


最近的心情就是。。灰色的。

为什么呢
就很多事情...不顺心吧。

读书熬了那么久,竟然少了一分而错过了首选。
然后就是因为那个首选,我放弃了最想去的“另个”首选。
所以现在去二选的机率高达95%。
二选也不错啦,而且4年可以玩到我饱也很轻松
不像首选们需要煎熬苦读哈哈

不过就有遗憾啦,因为父母和亲戚和朋友对我的期望很高
觉得我闭着眼睛也可以过关
然后我就辜负了他们咯
不过我真的尽力了,特别是大考的那几个星期
我根本是连续熬到要倒了 真的很想这样就算了我没力气了
不过想到会让那么多人失望我也熬过它

没过关 我也真的没办法啊

然后
就家里也不是很宁静
跟父母吵架什么的
就我在KL会一直出门 然后回到来槟城想窝在家里不出去
然后父母觉得这个是个反常的现象
不过我在这里他们也不让我驾车
我怎么出去啊
上个网 也会被骂
叫我陪他们 陪了没多久就唠叨我你觉得我想继续在那边么
然后
还有一些啦 就 吵架咯 不 也不算吵架 而是他们一直唠叨我就静静 然后他们问我为什么不回答不过回答了会被骂 就这样

然后感情上我自己也出了问题
就我自己对感情的事没有信心
然后少了感觉?
我不知道几时的事 不过我认为如果我可以对别人有好感的话
我们是不是出了问题?
是我一个人的问题吧
不是他的问题 他还是那么想维持着 然而我却一些的不想...
我不懂该怎么办
很多很多说不出口的心灰。

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Monday, June 29, 2015

伤感的歌



没想到你也在听那首

我介绍你的歌

这会不会是

我们的

终点?

我们可不可以

不要停留

在这里

我们的这首歌可不可以

不要结束

在这最后那么

伤感的音符上

呢...
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Friday, June 26, 2015

Cosplay Stories #1



My first "cosplay" came from the first Halloween I celebrated at my college. We were encouraged to dress up, and one of my best friends was an avid makeup artist, and she was really excited to help make me up as an alien. We spent time researching on how I would look like and what she wanted to be. I don't even know what she was going to do to me haha. She stayed over at my place and woke up really early to get us all done :'D

This was how weird I looked back then :'D
Two years ago lol

And this is creepy Mar with her scary clown + lab coat + needle

Although I did not jump into cosplay because of Halloween, it is definitely the first time I dressed up as something haha.
I don't even look creepy. 
LEL.

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Thursday, June 25, 2015

Little Cosplay Stories Series - Masterpost

So I was rolling around Facebook looking for some interesting things to blog (because my life is empty right now HAHA)
Really annoying right - I don't post when I'm busy, and I have nothing to post when I'm not lmao..

When I stumbled upon this really funny series of comics that detailed very-true experiences of cosplayers and cosplay photographers/videographers.


Now I rarely (only once?) post about cosplaying on my blog because I imagine that if anybody's interested they'd already be on my cosplay FB account (the name is Chachamaru if you're interested), so there's not much point posting the same pictures again on my blog.

(although my only cosplay post had a few hundred views so maybe it's a traffic attraction haha)

I'm still quite new (not past a year yet) so there's a lot of things I haven't learnt, especially makeup skills because I don't do makeup outside of cosplay, and there's a limited number of characters I can do well (the ones that actually match my personality).
But I found these little comics to ring true and bring funny memories to mind so I had an idea of sharing personal anecdotes along with the comic pictures here whenever I'm free.

The comics are drawn by Think.Nu, a group composed of "aspiring videographers, photographers and designers dedicated to promoting fresh ideas for audiences."
Here's the link to their Facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/think.nu.official


I've gotten permission from them to post their little comic pictures here with credits :)
And I hope it'll be fun for you (and me) to read haha ;)
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Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Life After IB

HAHA only 3 posts in 2015.
What have I been doing???

:'D

Life after IB has been about -


Games:
Dota 2 (trying to not be a noob)
Maimai (trying to be good at this~ it's been enjoyable so far)
Sword Art Online: Hollow Fragment (this is too good! except for the dating system lmao)
Puzzle and Dragons (came back to it suddenly haha)
Persona 3 (haven't finish after leaving it near the end for 1 year lmao)
Persona 4 (might never finish)


Cosplay Shoots (omg so many I feel like dying haha)
Cosplay Events (making preparations...)
Lightroom editing (yay I have the trial version! ((what haha)) )
Sleeping (been sleeping too much lately..)
Moving back to Penang (obviously)
Trying to grow my hair to my waist (it's super slow idk why but kinda working haha)

Watching anime:
Fate/Stay Night Unlimited Blade Works (Tohsaka Rin ftw)
Fate/Zero (Kerry ftw)
Shokugeki no Souma (Megumi x Souma ftw)
Danmachi (harem ftw. Aiz ftw)

Trying to download TERA (might fail cause too lazy it's 30gb)

Picking up shooting games (maybe, if got people teman)

Worshipping Tohsaka Rin (HAHAHAHAHA)

I've been cosplaying a lot and I really enjoy the shoots and post-editing parts :) obviously the part where I get the parcels too haha it's like opening presents for myself. I might be posting little cosplay stories here sometimes but I'll try not to like drown this blog with cosplay cause it's just a part of my life. Interested parties may view cosplay pictures at my Facebook (Chachamaru) so I'll only put like one or two for show if I ever talk about cosplay. :)


I've been playing a bunch of different games on different consoles and in arcades and in cyber cafes and everything has been pretty fun as long as I won't get hurt :3 I've been playing Bejeweled-style games, rhythm games, MMORPGs, turn-based RPGs, action RPGs~ might play shooter if there's someone who's willing to play with me :D
Haha I don't sound like a good girl that people like to assume that I am here, but honestly tho I really like a variety of games and I love playing these things that I never played in my childhood lmao.

I'm also watching a bunch of animes :D Fate series are just tooooo good and I've never regretted watching it the correct way - FSN first and the prequel FZ afterward. So many people watch it the other way around which completely destroys the FSN experience imo. Btw I love Tohsaka Rin :D she's like the goddess in my character list because our personalities match almost exactly.

I'll write more again :)
(I promise this time haha)
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Tuesday, June 23, 2015

What I Feel After IB Finals...

I can't believe I didn't write a post after finishing one of the most tortuous programmes in my life haha.



Results will be out in less than two weeks and I'm nervous as shit :"D
As far as I think, I didn't do that well in finals? I know it's just my assumptions and I'm biased but I had a pretty tough exam timetable with all my HLs sticking together, so I kinda felt that even without the horrible late-night-early-morning cramming, I would still be really tired from all the stress and thinking during the exams.

But oh well it isn't really my position to criticise it so there's not much I could do except give it my best shot. I really want to go to Oxford since I've made it this far (I've Firmed Oxford and Insured Edinburgh after half a year of thought :'D) but if I didn't make the grade then I'll have to go to my Insurance choice, which was my initial Firm pick so it's all good :)

I know Edinburgh isn't as high as UCL on the rankings but -
-It's more green and countryside in Scotland
-It has calmer surroundings, less noisy/pollution
-It has the best Linguistics department in UK (it topped the charts a couple years back iirc)
-The old town of Edinburgh is beautiful

I know anything good I say about UCL will shake my resolve so I'm not going to say it haha since I've already made my decision.


It's exciting that I'm going though! (It'll be really bad luck if I couldn't cause Edinburgh only asks 34 lol) I've gone to the BTN camp thingy and all I now need is my final results. I'm really praying for Oxford haha. I know I said I didn't want to go before, but since yolo-ing has taken me so far, now I don't want to throw away the miracle that I've been offered haha.

But I don't think I did well lah..
I kinda screwed up my English Paper 1 because I blanked out at the poem (which was the easy one out of the two) so I did the prose which was harder. *flips self*
I kinda screwed up my French essays (not to mention that stupid oral test haha) because I had to find alternatives for vocab that I forgot (such as the word for "month")
I kinda screwed up my Economics (everything) because it was sorta hard this year? (said everyone) so I don't know what's gonna happen to it.
I kinda screwed up my Psychology because I have no idea if what I've always written for school exams are up to IB standard (erm sorta fml there lol)
I kinda screwed up my Biology because I effed up with the drawing of the heart and some essay shit which I hope isn't as bad as I remember.
I definitely screwed up my Math because I have no idea at all for some really difficult questions which almost the whole world was furious about as well *breaks down*...
I kinda screwed up TOK because I have no idea what I'm writing/presenting and I don't know if it's up to IB standard.
I might screw up my Extended Essay even though I love it because my teacher supervisor didn't really comment much on it ;w;

So I screwed up IB and am nervously waiting for results that might open Oxford gates.

Ha.Ha.

Omg,

I'm so screwed.

How.

I'm seriously not kidding when I say I might get really bad results okay ;w; why does no one believe me?
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