Low Mood

One day, a very long time ago, my mom texted me and asked:

"eh, you okay? You're happy there?"

And I was like:

"yeah! it's super!", totally bemused by her question.

I know why now I guess.

I hadn't thought so much about anything because I was really busy with settling in and seeing the city and talking to people, that even the flimsiest thoughts went through my mind without much notice. And I was happy! There were so many things to do and I actually love my courses - I wasn't forced to do stuff I'm not good at like math or science.

And then a few days ago I realized I might be mildly depressed that I didn't even notice, but which has been persistent throughout my time here. As a psychology student I don't use such terms (like depression and such) easily as it's not the same as being sad for awhile or not feeling well. In fact I didn't even think I wasn't happy until I thought back and found that I hadn't been really happy at any time.

And I don't think I'm over not getting into my first choice.

Well yeah, it wasn't what I initially wanted, and I hadn't even considered applying in the first place, and I never thought I'd get in, and it wasn't like my childhood dream or anything, which was why I was weirded out to realize I'm still thinking about it every few days, on my way to classes, or some place else. I don't even linger on those thoughts; I put them out and just did my usual things. But I guess it has somehow affected my daily life, especially after my exams.

I was reflecting back on it and thinking why I had no motivation to study for it at all - I know I can pass it, but I didn't have the motivation to get 100% like I always did in the past. And it's not that I don't like the course, in fact it's my favourite course of all, and I was more than excited to do the assignment (I finished it in the first four days when we were given the two-month deadline assignment lol).

I felt like I'm disappointed in myself, but I just don't really think about it. I hate myself for not being able to reach where I could go. It's like fingers slipping off a cliff - I was so close. I thought I wouldn't feel like this, after all I didn't really care whether I'm there or not before this, but I do. There's this thorn in my chest that's been always there. I love this place, I really do. But the very existence of me being here is proof that I'm not there, I can't be there.

I felt that I've always been depressed about it ever since I got my results, but I was just too busy settling scholarship matters (and it's super annoying too), relationship matters, hobby matters, UK matters, university matters and I don't have the time to mope around. I told myself then that I would get my ass here no matter what, because I've worked so much for so long just for a chance to fly overseas. I kept telling myself that even though it's a second choice, I'm still where most people wanted forever to go to.

But now I doubt that it's any better (ok I know it's better but still I don't feel as happy as I should). Well if I had a really really really good friend, I could tell myself that in order to meet him/her here, I have to be here. But until now I feel that every single thing here is replaceable, like, there isn't even a reason why I'm fated to go down this path, except for the fact that I can't go that way.

It's not a happy thing to lose oneself. Like I've always told myself that I still have me no matter what happens to me - people hate me people dislike me people talk about me people laugh at me, I don't give a shit because I can achieve whatever I want and do whatever I like. But I don't now. Sometimes it's not even the thing itself, more like the concept of me wanting to get to the highest I can go, and anything below it can't fulfil my hopes even if they end up largely being the same.

It's just a rant. Logical advice (like, aiya go out more and meet people, aiya go and join more stuff, aiya it's not that great anyway) not welcomed unless you're bloody sure you can make me feel better. I'm obviously trying to make myself feel better everyday, I'm not wallowing, like I said it's just occasional flimsy thoughts and an overall low mood.

Hugs are welcomed though! ((hugs