I-Don't-Believe-In-God Blah Blah

I have no idea what to post here lately. It's like thoughts run through my head like fine threads but I can't seem to embroider them into a tapestry. It's like one pondering about life's little things but never writing them down because it feels so trivial yet so important. Or maybe I just don't have the time. Any extra time I have is spent on sleep.

One of B's relatives just passed away and he's feeling a bit blue today. I can't help with anything, but as always I think about things. This term is on moral studies for our LAN class, and even though it's quite interesting, it makes me think too much. Like how stuff that you never question yourself about came up and one does not even know what one thinks.

Through a series of questions I realize that I feel morally obliged to help innocent people whenever I can and if I don't risk myself on anything. A lot of the people in my class thinks they should be able to choose, but for me I don't think I can watch innocent humans suffer. I mean especially children. I don't know. I feel that only children remain innocent in this world, although that may not be the case in the future to come.

Going back to my life, I realize that I haven't been really doing much. When you watch people die all around you, you realize that life is only once, and it is fragile. I am a free-thinker/atheist/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. I still think there could be a God, and I believe in both Buddhism and Christianity, but I sometimes have internal conflict about the reality of God, hence I am devout in neither and I don't think that one should leave all decisions to God. It is my life, not His life, hence I believe in myself first and foremost, because I trust that having faith in myself will propel me forward regardless of the presence of God.

I believe in fate and the Order of things though. I think I believe in Order and Chaos more than an actual divine God. Somemore most of the apparently “devout” religious people are hypocrites. They “praise the Lord” and stuff, but are no more good than other “sinful non-believers”. If I am the Lord, I'd rather see you develop good traits in yourself and make good decisions in your life rather than praising me and keep asking me to show you the way.

Neither do I think there is a Devil either, but there is Chaos. The devil is a fictional character, and I think the idea of “bad” manifests itself not in a character with glowing red horns and a pointed tail, but in people who hurt and harm other people. Hence the fact that my aunt doesn't let my cousin marry a “non-believer” because apparently in the Bible there's an entry that says non-believers cannot ward off the Devil and hence fail to protect the family. This pisses me off entirely because there is no devil, but there are robbers, murderers and kidnappers, and a good spouse/parent will do his/her best to protect their family regardless of what they believe or not believe in. On the other hand, a hypocrite who is religious but a useless spouse/parent will not be able to protect the family (save for maybe praying to God to do something about it).

However every religion has its own good core values, and I believe that places of worship is always peaceful (I love the peacefulness of churches) but I think that labelling a devout worshipper of some religion as better than atheists is just stupid. One does not live for God, because God (if there is one) maintains the Order in the world, not your personal mentor. It's not His fault if you fail, and it's not His doing if you succeed either. It is all you, and having faith in yourself is way more vital than having faith in anything or anyone else.

I think when I die, I would like my ashes to be scattered someplace beautiful and memorable to me, instead of being inside an urn among thousands of urns in some boring temple, like having a tiny apartment unit. =.=

But before I die, I should do some good to the world, replacing a tiny part of Order in the world that Chaos is always trying to destroy. And I should do many interesting things and go many interesting parts of the world, because one has only one life to do it all, and I should like to go to other worlds in a next life, instead of coming back here.