Michelle is not a consistent worker.
Michelle is not an organised person.
Michelle is not a good student.
Idk. I've never felt as depressed as I am right now. Not when I couldn't get ready enough for the Sejarah exam essay questions back in Form 4. Not when I cried while I plodded through questions after questions of math the night before an exam. Not when I panicked a few weeks before SPM because I've never gotten an A+ for the sciences. Never, really.
I keep telling myself: this is what you chose. Not my parents, not my friends, no one forced me to. In fact, nobody around me even knew what's IB. I tried reminding myself of what I'll reap in return, how much I would've grown up after this. But no, my brain rewarded me with a horrifying image of what's at stake, my future, if I fail.
There are 30+ comrades with me. Even if there's half who don't have to worry about not getting the best results, there's the other half. And all of them seem to be doing a really, really good job of holding everything together. I'm like the only one who's sleeping too much, eating too little, and doing nothing else.
I didn't want to do anything at all today except sleep. I didn't want to do work, didn't want to watch videos, didn't want to blog, didn't want to read a book, didn't want to chat, didn't want to play a game. I didn't even want to goddamn eat. It's like being depressed, only that it's not due to a loss, cause there's no hole in the stomach, but with all the similar symptoms.
When people look at me on the surface, they either see the obsessed me or the normal me. The obsessed me work like a lunatic, perfecting every detail, getting frustrated with things not going my way. The normal me is happy-go-lucky, seemingly not worried about anything at all. Both ways, I project (to others) efficiency so high leveled that I don't need to do much to get through.
Well I'm still maintaining good grades. The worrying thing is all the IAs. And I'm not even sure about any of the subjects, despite those grades.
Sometimes I'd like to think that if my seniors can, I can too. I've got seniors who have almost the exact same combination as me. Like Hannah, for instance. And of course a lot of others who took harder subjects, more HLs, etc. They're already done with their IAs. And EEs. And some of them have gotten university offers. And are now going through the last hurdle. And in a month, they are leaving. And we'd be seniors. I'd be a senior. how can. what a joke.
Struggling with Math IA, English EE, SATs, semester exams, and tons of day-to-day homework.
I need motivation. .______.
Mishell dont wolli Abbeh is not hardworking oso. Your glade is definitely better than me. On weekends if u hungly you can ask me to dabao food from outside okay. We are all in this IB bullshit together okay. So we get smelly like shit together.
ReplyDeleteOH GOSH. SO HARD TO SPEAK IN MICHELLE LANGUAGE *PANT PANT
LOLOLOL wadahell wai u here dis iz so weyerd lololol okai yesh ib is cowdung kthxbai HAHAHAHA thanks la <3
DeleteHey I read this post, and just wanted to say: you will survive! Almost everyone (if not everyone lol) goes through some sort of ghastly and stressful and unpleasant crunch period at some point during IB, so you're not alone. I had my fair share of horrible days too, when I certainly didn't have it all together, and I think I can say the same of many of the other seniors :P But the vast majority of us survived in the end. I'm sure you will too! :)
ReplyDeleteHi Hannah! Yeah I guess so, it's been sooo hard trying to start work even though I know hell is coming if I don't. ._.
DeleteThanks, this made my day! :)