Irrational Distress

Had been a long, dreadful week with everything going haywire. What’s the matter with my life? Can’t life just let me rest for a while with happiness overflowing? Is laughing while witnessing me fall time after time THAT entertaining?

Life isn’t fair, I get it. But how come I’m the one getting all the bad part of it???

DL…I don’t know what he has been doing. He doesn’t sound even a bit apologetic whenever he doesn’t call me for too long. I mean, not that I want him to hang around me like he doesn’t have a life, but he wasn’t like this. How come things get worse the longer we’re together?

Does he even care? I question myself.

 I’m going crazy wondering and worrying and he just laughs everything off. He has never been like that. At least he cared how I feel in the past. Now?

Which makes me overthink too much and start to be so SO suspicious about him. I love him, but he doesn’t seem to really care about me. He didn’t call me 4 days, I was like “oh my god did he end up in a hospital or worse, in a coffin?” and crying and worrying and literally BEGGING him to just sms me or something so that I can stop worrying.

Guess what? He never did that.

And then he called in the middle of the night after I cried myself to sleep.

If I had been awake and had picked up the call, I bet my first two words would be

F**K you.

Yeah, f**k you for not calling me FOUR WHOLE DAYS and ignoring me for whatever reasons and never EVEN thought about me and HOW I WOULD BE FEELING. That’s what hurt me the most. Not about him ignoring me, but about how he never even thought that I would be worrying like shit and he could just pick up a public phone and call me.

Whatever. He used to be the Superman, able to do ANYTHING just so long as he could get to me.

And now? Excuses, baby, excuses. My phone was confiscated, my parents’ phones were hidden, the school public phones and all the phones in the world were spoilt, my friends don’t have phones, my friends don’t have facebooks, my friends can’t tell you I’m alive, NOBODY CAN TELL YOU I AM ALIVE, and all in all, LONG STORY SHORT, there is absolutely NO WAY I can get to you.

 And now? I’m waiting for my phone to ring. The day before yesterday he called me at 8pm, I couldn’t pick up, I smsed him at 11pm, waited until I slept off and he called at 12.26 am. No idea what he’s doing. Then yesterday, whole day morning till night he didn’t call me. Today morning, he called me, 11.05am. Talked for 5 mins, I tried to be cheerful even though I’m going to break down inside. I asked him why he couldn’t call me, he said he wasn’t at home whole day, 1am only went home, didn’t want to wake me up. How’s that in comparison with my whole day worry?

Then I was joking around with him and he said if you don’t answer me I’ll cut the call, presumably joking as well. So I ignored him, just to see his reaction, and he cut the call.

Okay fine. He called me a few mins later, I cut his call.

What’s your reaction, baby?

Result: He ignored me until NOW, which is 12.47pm, almost two hours. Even though I’ve smsed him to call me and I’m admitting I lose in ignorance and I just want him to call me back to talk.

Guess what? NO REPLY.

Yeah, so much for loving me forever and always.

You can’t even call me.

P.S: He was in a very good mood today morning. Insensitive to my whole day worry yesterday, just brushed off with excuses and told me he went school today for club activity. He “jokingly” told me he went to school to look at girls, but darling, be careful.

I have my patience limit waiting for your calls and your reasons.

I might just believe you one day and you wouldn’t like me when I explode.

I couldn’t hold him near me anymore. He’s drifting further away, telling me about himself when he wants to, and ignoring me when he’s too happy someplace else.

Sad~