I'm Exhausted

I have no idea it could be so exhausting.

But it is, and he scared the crap out of me.

So first of all I know he is impulsive, but not up to the point of seriously considering giving us up all the time.

And when someone you actually do love is thinking about shutting the door after them, you have no choice but to panic and have one of those weary anxiety attacks that leaves people feeling drained of energy and emotions.

I might be the weaker, insecure one in the relationship, but when things get seriously bad, I am (and was) always being the stronger one and patch things up.
And I'm not even trying to be narcissistic here.

One whole day, and there's only one thought: I musn't let him give up on us so easily.

But what could you do when the person concerned tried to shut you out, shut everyone out, and go on a I-hate-myself-I-am-an-asshole-you-don't-deserve-a-shit-like-me-please-leave-me-alone-sorry-sorry-sorry-I-can't-do-it-sorry-sorry-sorry ride.

I did nothing except talking to our mutual friends, trying to go to sleep so I wouldn't have to think about it but ending up roll-roll-roll in bed and getting frustrated with myself.

Since there's only one thought in mind I had to put everything else on the line and risk all that I fear. =.= Feel like Tarzan or something. But I'm not. Scrolling through Youtube and hating myself for listening to sad songs again. =.=

It took a lot, and a lot, and a lot of talking and reassurance to put back everything again, and at the end of the day there's nothing else to feel except relief. I don't even feel happy because then another load of questions that I've never ever thought of ran through my mind and decided to stay.

He was the one confused, and now I'm the one confused.
I was 101% sure of it before.
Now..I don't even know what I'm confused about.

I feel detached from everything, emotionless, like it's someone else's thing and not my own.
I'm confused about what he wants in a relationship, about how happy he really is.
I don't feel close to him, because he's different now.
I feel like everything is really, really sad, even though we've solved our problems.
I don't know what to say, or what to do, because I never know when he's actually happy.
He hides stuff and make himself look happy but in reality he's cringing inside.
And that hurts.

Telling me hurts. Not telling me hurts. I hate this.
But if we're going to make this work, we need to tell each other everything.

I don't want to leave, because I said that I love him.
I think I still do.
Just...suddenly feeling nothing. Devoid of emotions. Like I don't care what happens, because I'm suddenly so tired.
I never kid myself that a relationship would be easy, but having people seriously want to give up all the time and me having to do everything I can to turn it around is very emotionally-consuming.
Maybe I need to see him in person.
I feel better when I actually see him.

God.
I don't know what I am anymore.