I have no idea what to post here
lately. It's like thoughts run through my head like fine threads but
I can't seem to embroider them into a tapestry. It's like one pondering
about life's little things but never writing them down because it
feels so trivial yet so important. Or maybe I just don't have the
time. Any extra time I have is spent on sleep.
One of B's relatives just passed away
and he's feeling a bit blue today. I can't help with anything, but as
always I think about things. This term is on moral studies for our
LAN class, and even though it's quite interesting, it makes me think
too much. Like how stuff that you never question yourself about came
up and one does not even know what one thinks.
Through a series of questions I realize
that I feel morally obliged to help innocent people whenever I can
and if I don't risk myself on anything. A lot of the people in my
class thinks they should be able to choose, but for me I don't think
I can watch innocent humans suffer. I mean especially children. I
don't know. I feel that only children remain innocent in this world,
although that may not be the case in the future to come.
Going back to my life, I realize that I
haven't been really doing much. When you watch people die all around
you, you realize that life is only once, and it is fragile. I am a
free-thinker/atheist/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. I still think
there could be a God, and I believe in both Buddhism and
Christianity, but I sometimes have internal conflict about the
reality of God, hence I am devout in neither and I don't think that
one should leave all decisions to God. It is my life, not His life,
hence I believe in myself first and foremost, because I trust that
having faith in myself will propel me forward regardless of the
presence of God.
I believe in fate and the Order of
things though. I think I believe in Order and Chaos more than an
actual divine God. Somemore most of the apparently “devout”
religious people are hypocrites. They “praise the Lord” and
stuff, but are no more good than other “sinful non-believers”. If
I am the Lord, I'd rather see you develop good traits in yourself and
make good decisions in your life rather than praising me and keep
asking me to show you the way.
Neither do I think there is a Devil
either, but there is Chaos. The devil is a fictional character, and I
think the idea of “bad” manifests itself not in a character with
glowing red horns and a pointed tail, but in people who hurt and harm
other people. Hence the fact that my aunt doesn't let my cousin marry
a “non-believer” because apparently in the Bible there's an entry
that says non-believers cannot ward off the Devil and hence fail to
protect the family. This pisses me off entirely because there is no
devil, but there are robbers, murderers and kidnappers, and a good
spouse/parent will do his/her best to protect their family regardless
of what they believe or not believe in. On the other hand, a
hypocrite who is religious but a useless spouse/parent will not be
able to protect the family (save for maybe praying to God to do
something about it).
However every religion has its own good
core values, and I believe that places of worship is always peaceful
(I love the peacefulness of churches) but I think that labelling a
devout worshipper of some religion as better than atheists is just
stupid. One does not live for God, because God (if there is one)
maintains the Order in the world, not your personal mentor. It's not
His fault if you fail, and it's not His doing if you succeed either.
It is all you, and having faith in yourself is way more vital than
having faith in anything or anyone else.
I think when I die, I would like my
ashes to be scattered someplace beautiful and memorable to me,
instead of being inside an urn among thousands of urns in some boring
temple, like having a tiny apartment unit. =.=
But before I die, I should do some good
to the world, replacing a tiny part of Order in the world that Chaos
is always trying to destroy. And I should do many interesting things
and go many interesting parts of the world, because one has only one
life to do it all, and I should like to go to other worlds in a next
life, instead of coming back here.
