I-Don't-Believe-In-God Blah Blah

I have no idea what to post here lately. It's like thoughts run through my head like fine threads but I can't seem to embroider them into a tapestry. It's like one pondering about life's little things but never writing them down because it feels so trivial yet so important. Or maybe I just don't have the time. Any extra time I have is spent on sleep.

One of B's relatives just passed away and he's feeling a bit blue today. I can't help with anything, but as always I think about things. This term is on moral studies for our LAN class, and even though it's quite interesting, it makes me think too much. Like how stuff that you never question yourself about came up and one does not even know what one thinks.

Through a series of questions I realize that I feel morally obliged to help innocent people whenever I can and if I don't risk myself on anything. A lot of the people in my class thinks they should be able to choose, but for me I don't think I can watch innocent humans suffer. I mean especially children. I don't know. I feel that only children remain innocent in this world, although that may not be the case in the future to come.

Going back to my life, I realize that I haven't been really doing much. When you watch people die all around you, you realize that life is only once, and it is fragile. I am a free-thinker/atheist/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. I still think there could be a God, and I believe in both Buddhism and Christianity, but I sometimes have internal conflict about the reality of God, hence I am devout in neither and I don't think that one should leave all decisions to God. It is my life, not His life, hence I believe in myself first and foremost, because I trust that having faith in myself will propel me forward regardless of the presence of God.

I believe in fate and the Order of things though. I think I believe in Order and Chaos more than an actual divine God. Somemore most of the apparently “devout” religious people are hypocrites. They “praise the Lord” and stuff, but are no more good than other “sinful non-believers”. If I am the Lord, I'd rather see you develop good traits in yourself and make good decisions in your life rather than praising me and keep asking me to show you the way.

Neither do I think there is a Devil either, but there is Chaos. The devil is a fictional character, and I think the idea of “bad” manifests itself not in a character with glowing red horns and a pointed tail, but in people who hurt and harm other people. Hence the fact that my aunt doesn't let my cousin marry a “non-believer” because apparently in the Bible there's an entry that says non-believers cannot ward off the Devil and hence fail to protect the family. This pisses me off entirely because there is no devil, but there are robbers, murderers and kidnappers, and a good spouse/parent will do his/her best to protect their family regardless of what they believe or not believe in. On the other hand, a hypocrite who is religious but a useless spouse/parent will not be able to protect the family (save for maybe praying to God to do something about it).

However every religion has its own good core values, and I believe that places of worship is always peaceful (I love the peacefulness of churches) but I think that labelling a devout worshipper of some religion as better than atheists is just stupid. One does not live for God, because God (if there is one) maintains the Order in the world, not your personal mentor. It's not His fault if you fail, and it's not His doing if you succeed either. It is all you, and having faith in yourself is way more vital than having faith in anything or anyone else.

I think when I die, I would like my ashes to be scattered someplace beautiful and memorable to me, instead of being inside an urn among thousands of urns in some boring temple, like having a tiny apartment unit. =.=

But before I die, I should do some good to the world, replacing a tiny part of Order in the world that Chaos is always trying to destroy. And I should do many interesting things and go many interesting parts of the world, because one has only one life to do it all, and I should like to go to other worlds in a next life, instead of coming back here.  

Semester Number 2 of IB

Felt like I've been hit by a truck. :/

I've only been at school three days, mind you.
Everyone looks apprehensive at the start of college. The past sem hasn't treated us very well, collectively speaking.

I've got 7s in Psych, Bio and French, and 6s in Econs, English and Maths.
So I got relatively fine results based on how little I actually consistently studied (never been one to stick with consistency), but a lot of other people fell short of their ideal results. Two of my classmates dropped IB, a third thought of it but returned to continue.

Some of them look quite depressed. .__.
IB people are an indecisive bunch really. Quite a few of them changed their subjects, and many considered changing. Mar dropped Theatre and changed to Chemistry. B dropped to Math SL and changed Theatre to HL. (yay now we have 3 classes in common!)

I'm still considering whether to take up Bio HL or not. Yes? No? Which is easier, Bio or Econs? I'm not gonna drop Psych since I finished HL IA already, and English is a definite no. 4 HLs right now would be too much to take (considering all forms of IAs coming in at this point), but if I do it in the 3rd sem, would it be too late?

*confused*

Speaking of IAs, I'm already bogged down by them. ._. All of the lecturers (except for French), have already spoken about it. I've completed one and handed in as my first draft, but I'm sure there must be some corrections to make. I've found topics and materials for some, and the rest I'm still in a blur. Doesn't help that some of the lecturers look blurer than me. :(
We have a new Math SL lecturer, who looks enthusiastic and willing to help us out, but he looks as confused as me about IAs. :/ tried googling, limited resources as this "exploration" thingy is a new format with first examinations in 2014. :(

The timetable is still almost the same, with 330pm classes every single day and four 830 classes. :(
No thanks to the subject combo of psych + econs that only applies to me in the whole of IB.
Oh well. Monday is as evil as ever, 7 classes with 5 straight ones. Tuesday isn't very good either, 6 classes with 4 straight. 4 classes on Wednesday, reasonable enough. Thursday is annoying as ever, four hours of break in between. :x And Friday, is reasonably spaced out with 5 classes.

I hate Mondays with legit, starving reasons.

And I'm already confused with the slight changes - I actually missed an Econs HL class because I honestly thought it was Business during that period of time.
And it already looks so busy...so many projects, assignments, homework, activities coming in, not to mention deadly important IAs and EE to think of.

The disorganised, couldn't-be-bothered me is trying to avoid as many distractions as possible. No to leading annoying assignments that I wouldn't even care about as an ordinary team member. No to heading dead clubs and be expected to come up with "fresh" activities when I'm wading through tons of work. My time is limited - I need to be smart and choose the right stuffs to concentrate on. If I heap too much on my plate, I'll just collapse and die at some point.

To-Do this sem:
1. Organised work into edible chunks and work on them properly.
2. Arrange study time (as in studying syllabus/doing IAs) every day.
3. Complete daily work on a daily basis
4. Be independent and proactive on own work, especially IA/EE.
5. Be smart when choosing what to take up and what not to.
6. Remember about CAS and monitor long-term activities.
7. Keep goals and university requirements in sight - I will get me there!
8. Spend time with friends worthy of your limited time, don't neglect social circle, however small.
9. Turn all this into good food for relationship: multitask and don't neglect B.
10. Stop procrastinating and start surviving.

*barely surviving*

Love,

3.30am Attempt At Poetry

Okay so B and I were talking crap on FB chat in the middle of the night, feeling very lame but not able to sleep, so we ended up trying our minds at poetry (which failed hilariously enough) while being semi-conscious.

It's weird how crazy one can get when our minds are on the line between dreams and reality.

For example:

Cannibal canine. (this is a random example of alliteration)

Cat

Such a

Cat 

Nine lives 

Two eternities

Such a cat 

Smile

Mouse

You catch and play

In your pink paw

By the grey tail

Squeak

Swallows

In a gulp

(Got alliteration somemore, cool eh? :P)

Mouse Part 2

I saw a mouse crossing the road. 

How minuscule the mouse was, 

hiding from mechanical machines that would otherwise kill it. 

The mouse was thin, in an environment of metal monsters, 

it held its ground. 

Avoiding the sharp iron fangs

it ran from bush to bush.

I saw it with my own eyes, 

and you - were there. 

We were together. 

You said "aw so cute!". 

While in my head, 

I saw the cruelty of the world. 

In a dog eat dog world, the mouse lived. 

I saw a man. The mouse was young, 

nonetheless was it any less a man than 

I am.

Mouse (Part 3)

Is it the mouse

Who gulp with fear at the long whiskers

Or the cat

Who gulp in satisfaction at the furry mass sliding 

Down the stomach

Tail half chewed

Like gum between its teeth

Slumber

Slumber in peace 
Among the clouds and a passing feather
Away from crowds and pressing matters 
Like a baby in a cot 
Gently sway with childlike innocence
And a cat caught a bird in flight
Awaking thee from thy slumber 

(Line 2 and 3 so cool, he mirrored my line :D)

Continuation of Bird

The bird sent a tweeter and my phone vibrate

So I woke up

The end

Because I was tired.

LOL. Bedtime poems, literally. :3
Love,

So Much of Nothing

One can feel so much something,
Yet so much nothing.

If actually feeling something is being oversensitive and poses a danger to any relationship with any human, is it better to feel nothing, play safe and prevent chronic pessimism?

Feeling like a statue, a stone cold statue
Why does one feel nothing? Exhaustion? Of what?
It frightens me that I am feeling almost nothing, whatever you do, whatever happens.
I take it in a stride of indifference
Flows along in a river of nonchalance
Why?

Why am I such extremes, as if I am bipolar
Overwhelmed by emotions at first, and now what?
Simply a lack of concern, simply I don't care
Why can't one be healthy, balanced and wonderful?

Whatever suits you, whatever floats your boat
Whatever makes you happy
Just go ahead and do it
Even if you neglect me, even if you forget me
I am indifferent to it, do whatever you like.

I wish I can hate you, I wish this still hurts and upsets me
I wish I still bother to argue with you
But this change, this change in me
Is unnerving, is frightening even me,
The owner of my mind and my heart
The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.

Why do I not care anymore?
How is it possible that one single moment can change one whole level of feelings?
How is it possible that one can change without your own consent?
Is this irreversible?

And life, is such a sad responsibility
In this annoying world with too much superficiality and too much noise.

Stress Gonna Hit Hard In A Week

I'm a happy-go-lucky person.

I don't stress out until the day stress hits.
As in I am not a chronic stressor. I am an acute stressor.
(psychology much. :x)

Anyways. People have been stressing out a lot these days while preparing for the start of the new semester. IB holidays are cool, they gave us a month in December and school starts in January, which is great 'cause it makes me feel like high school all over again and it feels kinda proper.

I have not been stressing out. In fact, I'm still having fun being addicted to Temple Run 2, lazing around in bed and not getting up before 2pm, so on and so forth.
I haven't done much of homework, for example psych essays, english commentary, econs IA and IOP are all waiting for me, not to mention research and reading of Woman At Point Zero.
(according to friends, it's graphic and very ew. I wonder how ew. Maus wasn't ew at all and people say it's graphically violent. I'm like, you disappoint me, Maus. .________.)

That said, I have finished my Psych IA entirely 101%. As in including the cover page and everything. I swear I spent more time cutting out stuff from it to fit the word count than writing and conducting it combined. :x
However, I'm still a bit unsure whether all the bits are proper or not though. I'll have to look around for someone to help me check it through.

And I've updated my CAS wiki, plus edited all the newsletter articles and written mine, and also attended 3 days of Myvillage camp. And I attended a high school class gathering. So I did do quite some stuff. :)
And I'm planning for the 4 days I'm gonna bring Nic, LeE and B around Penang. I'm stressed out over that because they're coming like tomorrow and I'm worried shitless that they might be bored or things might go wrong or something. :x
Mar and Laj gonna come too but Laj had dengue at the last minute so they're not coming anymore. Sads. Get well soon though :)

So we were trying to find people to come but all of them so very stressed out and doing their homework and stuff so they can't. Haih. Whys all kiasu people you tell me. :/
I would've asked my friends along if they didn't happen to be Penangites. :x
Oh well.
Oh yeah, I could've asked Myvillage peeps like the four-blooded guy and Nabil. Buts then it's soooo late already now. Bus leaving 9.30am tomorrow.
Never mind lahs. Double date it is.

Stress coming in a week when semester 2 starts again, so I might as well make full use of the next few days and enjoy moreeeees. :D

Okays now back to memorising all the bus routes................................................
Love,

2.0.1.4

Okay I am back here again.
I couldn't post anything last night because I was stranded at a place with no wifi no data no nothing except a useless phone.
.______________.

I am..uh..*counts with fingers and toes* 19 this year. ._.
Running out of toes next year. ._.

Anyways.
I'm gonna post a year review here. I don't know why is it that this year is full of FB year statuses. o.O meh, so mainstream, I rather post it here. Being a private human I rather not blah all ewwity stuffs out to peoples who don't-give-a-shit. Okay blogs aren't private either but at least peoples come here because they give two shits.

2013 was a weird year.

First half:
The Upsides:
-Get to explore Penang with high school friends!
-Experience bus-hopping around the island
-Going for interviews with friends
-Getting my P driving license
-Being clear on what I want through relationships :3
-Getting the awesome chance to laze around at home.

Personally I think it was a good thing to spend some time without restrictions and deadlines and whatnot because later on in life there will always be something coming up to rob me of my free time. So yeah. Parents were also miraculously supportive of me starting my pre-u late in life.

The Downsides:
-Bored to death
-Breaking someone's heart
-Getting own heart broken and being emos for over a month (but that's okay and over with)

I believe every relationship ended is a lesson learnt. And I got over it so it's fine, no worries.

Here are some collages of my first half of 2013. :D
Of course it doesn't include ALL of what I did, for example the interviews and also driving school, but here are some of the stuffs we did and places we went. :)

WQ's birthday celebration at Straits Quay

Bowling + Snooker at Prangin

Botanical Gardens

CNY steamboat gathering

Street Art Day

Escape theme park

ZG and SC's birthdays 

Breakfast at ZB's house

CNY Gathering at QB

Okay. I hate making collages. Too much time. Hmphs.

Second half:
The Upsides:
-Leaving home on my own finally!
-Making new friends
-Catching up on the IB syllabus
-Surviving on my own.
-Much freedom.
-Unexpected relationship!

The Downsides:
-Different way of living.
-Much kiasu people, rich people, judgemental people, snobs etc.
-Miss high school friends :/
-Transportation restrictions (hate waiting for public transport so yeah)
-Dealing with lots of stuff without family
-Stress level kinda high.

Every friendship line used to be genuine. Here, it's usually networking. Socialising for possible own benefits/profits. :(
But it's okay. I'm genuine! :)

SO. 2014. I need to make resolutions. I've never made resolutions because I don't see the need, 'cause I'm like if I wanna do it, I'll try my best, with or without resolutions.

But since B wanted me to do it, I shall. No difference anyways. :3
So here are my resolutions:

-Get a 7 in all six IB subjects! (so that I can get good predicted grades to apply unis)
-Apply to my dream unis (and backup unis) properly and in time
-Get good conditional offers for my dream unis
-Maintain good ties with classmates and friends in college
-Attend old friends gatherings whenever I can.
-Strengthen relationship between B and I > by studying, watching anime, designing games and going new places together
-Work on communication issues
-Study more systematically
-Travel to more places that I haven't been to :3
-Manage time better so I can rest more + do more things (and not just study my head off)
-Eat more, sleep more and be happier. :D

.__. Actually I just wanna everything to go well this beautiful new year. Even though it isn't really a new year, as in years are created by humans to make counting easier, and not because this day is any more special than yesterday or tomorrow. But a new year signifies a new beginning, and give people hope that their coming days will be better.

I really don't have much to say about. All I want is to experience everything life offers, not restrict myself on anything except stuffs against my values, have better relationships with humans I am close to or am forced to be close to, and generally live a good life.
I don't aim for perfection in one thing, but hope to get the chance to touch on many things, even if I sucks at all of them. :)

And to all my old and new readers out there, thanks for reading through and
have a blessed new year ahead!
Love,