猜不透的累爱

到底　这感觉谁对谁错　我已不想追究
越是在乎的人 越是　猜不透

从以前到现在 这里就是我的日记 我抒发心情的地方 只是不懂为什么 从熟人知道过后我变得很爱面子 总是不把最深处的想法写出来 怕被人看被吐槽 怕丢面子

我知道我不够好，我也从来没有说自己很好
不过常常想展现最好的而不是最真的一面 不说就好 怕给人说闲话
嘛 反正 知道这里的熟人也不多 我就想写什么就写什么吧

我和他，在一起也不算久
他是我在2.5次元的cos界认识的，所以我面子书的main account, 就三次元的户口，都没有人知道
也一样的 除了我加入二次元户口的知己以外 没有人知道我的前任已经是。。。前任

说真的 我对感情的世界不会很陌生 到现在算来也谈过不少次 大概6次？排除现任 其中的两次是少过一个月的儿戏，一次是几个月的，然后还有两次是很认真很久的接近两年的感情
桃花运。。。虽然没有像校花类型那么旺，不过也一直不缺异性缘。也会偶尔无缘无故招到桃花，每次拒绝都有些罪恶感 哈哈。

一直被问 跟前任走得好好的 为什么会分手 为什么会跟现任在一起
然后就被熟人喷 好像连知己也有点排斥我？
说是因为替前任觉得可惜 为我做了那么多
嗯说得没错 我也不奢望被理解所以就随便吧我管不着。。。

被说过喜新厌旧 在我还没有深思考虑前我也是这么认为自己 然后很多罪恶感觉得自己很不对
不过我想说 我不觉得我和前任接近两年的感情是那么肤浅那么没有价值到我可以随便牺牲吧
所作所为 都有起因 只是有时太习惯没有看到 然后旁人更加看不到所以觉得很突然？

我追求我想要的，我错了吗？ 我知道，当时如果选择回头 我们还会在一起。我知道，就算现在，复合的几率也是很高的。
可是我不要
我就是不要
认识我的都懂我谈恋爱超痴情的，选择离开也不是三天两夜的决定。
我那么坚决地不要 你们难道还会只是觉得我只是疯了瞎了吗？

我只是要每个女孩都想要的安全感。
我长大了，懂事了，不再像初恋时那样痴心的疯狂，觉得有爱就可以改变任何一个人的属性。
再多爱也是改变不了的。
我知道你是土豪 以后可能得到很多钱
不过我爱的不是你的钱 你明白吗？
钱 重要在于是你自己赚的 不是家里有多少
我要的安全感 我从来没拥有过
也不能说在一起不快乐 其实 是很快乐 我从来没有和任何人那么聊得来过
不过情侣之间需要信任 需要安全感 需要共同的未来目标
我们不只是聊得来的好朋友啊
我一直说过 在一起 不管怎么想怎么看 另一半就是你的分身，他的所作所为会反映在你的身上
当你跟我在一起，你就不是一个人了，你的行为都会影响到我
可你不是这么想的 然后这几年来 我一直被你的行为影响
在学校，老师同学都时常找我 因为你除了我打死都不接别人电话，不回信息，不出现，不交该交的功课。
你妈妈阿姨甚至找上我吃饭聊你 讨论要怎样“帮助”你
你知道吗？在当你自私地躲在角落的时候，我在众人的催促下是多么压力
我还要处理自己的功课 还要面对你的各种事情
我常常压力到哭了 你只会说 别管他们 可是你从来没解决过这些问题 他们还是照样找我
而因为你是我的分身 我觉得我有责任照顾你 虽然我也很想不管

也不只是学业 感情上那些我发现的东西 不太像安全感
我在忙着申请大学 也希望你可以和我上同一间大学 可你在忙着犹豫我是不是你真的想要在一起的人
我在担心你的未来的同时你在跟我朋友搭讪
到现在我不懂她知不知道你的举动 可是我和你都懂你不是无辜的
嘛我当时不懂 还以为你只是懒惰申请大学 可是现在回想起来 我做的一切值得吗？
也不只这个 更早的时候我在充当女票的角色 你躲躲闪闪着跟那个女同伴聊天还问你朋友怎么办
我发现的那天 跑去打游戏机打到手肿还哭肿眼睛
说到你朋友 他们也不是什么好东西 不管我尝试多少次 他们不但没喜欢过我 还在我背后说我坏话鼓励你离开我
反而我朋友都很喜欢你 就算没很喜欢也至少知道基本的尊重
我也会挺你 可是你从来从来没有挺过我
我只是要个稳定的未来 只是要一个能够至少一半的时候照顾我的人 可是你连你自己都照顾不来了
连当下的事情都不能做好 一件很容易的事都要我一直提醒你催你不然你就给忘了
说会做没做到，说会来然后迟到，然后每次都是编故事骗小孩。

我很累 要照顾你很累 要面对你的朋友们很累 要无视那些你的犹豫小出线很累 要分析你说的哪些真话哪些骗话很累
如果信任逐渐减少 剩的只是很累人的爱 我还能要吗？
是，你为我做过很多，牺牲过很多，你的每个好我就算没表示，其实我都看在眼里我都很感激。我们也无误地有好多美好的时光好多我怎么都不会忘记的回忆。 如果我们只是短期的恋人，你肯定是最棒的。 我一直让我自己相信最重要的是我眼前的当下，不要去想未来会怎样，可是我还是懂长期的我们是无法无忧无虑地幸福下去。。。我给了我们那么多机会 我一直相信我们是可以看到未来的，一直说服自己就算以后你还是一样没变这么任性潇洒 我还是觉得你是最理想的。。。结果我还是骗不到自己，扔不掉自己心中要的稳定要的安全感要的百分百信任。

我没写过这一切 是因为我累得连累了都不知道 我花了好几个月在深思为什么我那么愿意离开一段我觉得还好的感情。可是我现在懂了 爱情不能做比较 可是我疲累的层度可以比较
你离不开我 我说真的也舍不得你 可是我可以做你的家人 你的朋友 甚至你的宠物
我就是做不到你的女票 因为我真的累爱。。。

请不要再批评我的决定，因为我真的很疲倦
我表面上当作一切安好，不过心里常常想这一睡就不要再起来。
所以可以遇到让我醒过来 让我明白我不需要这么累的下个他
我希望收到的
是更多的祝福。

Birthday Bar-Hopping

I always like to take candid pictures because I like the random feels haha

Okay I'll make pictures large and not x-large because it's directly from phone and I'm fugly.

So on his birthday we decided to go bar-hopping because we hadn't done it before (I know, we're such good kids) AND he never believed me when I said my alcohol tolerance is quite good (because I don't really drink; I drank only a few times before? Once red, twice rose, once spritzer and once sake). And I decided I wanted to prove it once and for all (plus I really trust him - don't do this with people you don't trust ever *in case anyone younger is reading this* because you might not know your limit and might get more drunk than you thought lol). . :D

The first was red wine with our lamb dinner. (sorry idk how to take food pics) It was rather spicy, I haven't had spicy ones before. Basically it was just a dinner drink and I've had reds before, so nothing much. But it's funny how almost two years ago I couldn't do the same without going woozy lolol. (I couldn't even finish a glass then)

Then because I said I've always heard Scotland is great for its whisky but have never tried it (because the people I hang out with don't drink and I don't trust anyone anyway) we went into another bar for whisky. It's my first time having some and I didn't know the ABV level for whisky is 40%+ and they came in a small glass in a tiny amount. I thought it'd be too little until I drank a bit and then I was just like:

omgok.jpg

This bit only!

complimentary mint chocolates

Nothing warms you up as fast as a shot of whisky seriously. OAO it's like wasabi it goes up your nose but it makes you feel super warm at the same time. After abit I can brave any kind of cold outside haha. Then we decided to look for some vodka so we entered this very crowded bar and asked for some, but they only sold in bottles so we had some white wine instead. But when you've had some straight up whisky before, white wine feels really tame because you can drink a gulp and still equals a sip of whisky.

Not drunk yet!

After white wine we still wanted very much to get some vodka so we entered another less-crowded more-elegant bar where they STILL don't sell vodka by shots, so we had some martinis (I forgot which he got, but I had the French martini with vanilla cream, raspberry and vodka) (so technically it's still vodka!) because Poirot always has a martini because he thinks it's classy unlike beer (if you don't know who Poirot is, he's this super famous Belgian detective in Agatha Christie's murder mysteries). I agree with Poirot tho, I think martinis are my favourite alcoholic drink. Or maybe just the creamy ones cause mine's like melted vanilla and berry ice-cream wtf. At this point he's getting visibly unlike-himself (ok he's abit high lol) because he's always this very controlled person with emotions under check. Like even when he acts goofy it's still a controlled response, like he decides it be so. But at this point he's less controlled (ok maybe cause he smiles uncontrollably a lot more lolol)  and it's just funny watching him agree to anything instantly and being a bit too excited than usual (because he always super calm and stable). At this point I'm also a little bit weird but at least I can still notice changes haha.

Mine's the one with the raspberry :D

Honestly when you're high it's hard to stop, so we ended up at another bar when the martini one closes (omg it closes at like 10, are you even serious) which is abit seedier than the previous one (but still not too bad, it's just rather empty with this solo guitarist belting out tunes and few people clapping after every song). Like somewhere to go if you're feeling shit or depressed and want some booze. Anyway I was too lazy (more like enough alcohol to not give a shit) to pick what to have so we chose a Long Island and a margarita on the rocks because they sounded familiar haha. The margarita was nice with salt on the glass rim, but the Long Island was better (because it's iced tea!) Again if anyone younger is reading this do not fgs have a Long Island because it can really tip you over if you're not used to alcohol since it contains five different shots of >40% alcohol content liquors in its ingredient list. It's SUPER nice though because it tastes like entirely like iced lemon tea as they put lemon and cola in it but there's definitely a difference before and after.

technically we pda even without being drunk
so this isn't a valid drunk proof

looking innocently like just any other iced lemon tea and 100plus

Because we went home afterwards haha cause we can feel the drunkenness creeping up already and if we don't get home in time and end up at another bar one of us (probably me but he's not far away!) will probably pass out and we still have to walk home quite a long way lolz. So we ended our bar-hopping (I really wanted one more though!) and went home and I fell asleep like 10 minutes after I got back haha. At least I know for a fact that we weren't like those drunk people we keep seeing in the wee morning hours being loud and annoying.

Okay I was abit hungover in the morning - I woke up twice and had abit of a headache both times but it's not as bad as my usual migraines so it didn't really annoy me as long as I sleep it off. I didn't puke or anything though so everything's fine when I got up and we had breakfast. The best part of it all is him grudgingly admitting that my tolerance is as good as him (abit lower than him because I'm more woozy in the end but he can control his wooziness) ahaha. Well at least I never practised but he used to be really shitty at it until his colleagues used to pull him along for drinks so often until he got better at it (my level!) lol. But my parents don't have a drinking habit so it must be some ancestral genes haha.

They're not kidding about their whisky selection. There's more behind.

It's funny how we used to talk about many things and he used to tell me about his drunk stories when we were hanging out as friends and I'd be super interested and wanted him to take me out for drinks someday (but we both knew it won't happen since we're not together and stuff) but now we're here bar-hopping together as a couple and him drinking with me (because some guys don't drink and it's pretty boring if you bring a guy out bar-hopping but he doesn't drink and sits around watching you and then taking you home later like a father) but at the same time me safely knowing that he knows his limit and he'll always protect me no matter what. It's not fun if you're addicted and keep doing it, but it's definitely a lot of fun once in a while doing a bunch of things together like this, and having someone who won't nag and be upset that you wanna go bar-hopping, but will accompany you to have fun together and then take care of you later. :)