Low Mood

One day, a very long time ago, my mom texted me and asked:

"eh, you okay? You're happy there?"

And I was like:

"yeah! it's super!", totally bemused by her question.

I know why now I guess.

I hadn't thought so much about anything because I was really busy with settling in and seeing the city and talking to people, that even the flimsiest thoughts went through my mind without much notice. And I was happy! There were so many things to do and I actually love my courses - I wasn't forced to do stuff I'm not good at like math or science.

And then a few days ago I realized I might be mildly depressed that I didn't even notice, but which has been persistent throughout my time here. As a psychology student I don't use such terms (like depression and such) easily as it's not the same as being sad for awhile or not feeling well. In fact I didn't even think I wasn't happy until I thought back and found that I hadn't been really happy at any time.

And I don't think I'm over not getting into my first choice.

Well yeah, it wasn't what I initially wanted, and I hadn't even considered applying in the first place, and I never thought I'd get in, and it wasn't like my childhood dream or anything, which was why I was weirded out to realize I'm still thinking about it every few days, on my way to classes, or some place else. I don't even linger on those thoughts; I put them out and just did my usual things. But I guess it has somehow affected my daily life, especially after my exams.

I was reflecting back on it and thinking why I had no motivation to study for it at all - I know I can pass it, but I didn't have the motivation to get 100% like I always did in the past. And it's not that I don't like the course, in fact it's my favourite course of all, and I was more than excited to do the assignment (I finished it in the first four days when we were given the two-month deadline assignment lol).

I felt like I'm disappointed in myself, but I just don't really think about it. I hate myself for not being able to reach where I could go. It's like fingers slipping off a cliff - I was so close. I thought I wouldn't feel like this, after all I didn't really care whether I'm there or not before this, but I do. There's this thorn in my chest that's been always there. I love this place, I really do. But the very existence of me being here is proof that I'm not there, I can't be there.

I felt that I've always been depressed about it ever since I got my results, but I was just too busy settling scholarship matters (and it's super annoying too), relationship matters, hobby matters, UK matters, university matters and I don't have the time to mope around. I told myself then that I would get my ass here no matter what, because I've worked so much for so long just for a chance to fly overseas. I kept telling myself that even though it's a second choice, I'm still where most people wanted forever to go to.

But now I doubt that it's any better (ok I know it's better but still I don't feel as happy as I should). Well if I had a really really really good friend, I could tell myself that in order to meet him/her here, I have to be here. But until now I feel that every single thing here is replaceable, like, there isn't even a reason why I'm fated to go down this path, except for the fact that I can't go that way.

It's not a happy thing to lose oneself. Like I've always told myself that I still have me no matter what happens to me - people hate me people dislike me people talk about me people laugh at me, I don't give a shit because I can achieve whatever I want and do whatever I like. But I don't now. Sometimes it's not even the thing itself, more like the concept of me wanting to get to the highest I can go, and anything below it can't fulfil my hopes even if they end up largely being the same.

It's just a rant. Logical advice (like, aiya go out more and meet people, aiya go and join more stuff, aiya it's not that great anyway) not welcomed unless you're bloody sure you can make me feel better. I'm obviously trying to make myself feel better everyday, I'm not wallowing, like I said it's just occasional flimsy thoughts and an overall low mood.

Hugs are welcomed though! ((hugs

2.5次元的世界

那天交到一个曾经是coser的朋友，本来兴奋地认为在这里终于有个同好可以聊一堆动漫的东西。 过后发现她其实是腐女 （就是喜欢看BL男男恋的作品），之前发现到是因为看到她有跟踪baozi hana 的instagram 然后就找个机会提起。我不是腐女也没有看BL的习惯，不过还是可以接受啦我也没在意。

聊着聊着 问起她怎么退cos圈了，她说因为资金不够而且cos圈的人不友善，去会场也很多负面的事情 买周边都会发生不愉快的事 然后很难交朋友。好吧这个我承认有多半是没错的，很多时候感觉自己都不懂在玩什么 进cos圈是为了什么 然后就想退圈 回到三次元的生活。

不过我还是很爱呆在2.5次元的面子书户口，三次元的那个开了5年多自从有第二个户口后就这样给我冷落了，然后我就告诉这个朋友我很喜欢cos的户口，因为感觉到自己比较重要，就 如果消失了至少常关注点久了会注意到 （有些人消失了我也是有注意到），而且同个 status 打两边，在2.5次元的户口里就算只见过一两次 甚至没见过，也会按赞留言很有亲切感。

然后她说，
哦你只是要别人按赞博关注吧。

那时我真的心塞，然后就很反对很生气她那样说 （虽然表面上只是笑笑带过）。之后心想是不是因为我真的这样认为然后被人看穿不敢承认？想了很久，虽然我不是那个意思不过我无法解释为什么我喜欢别人的留言 喜欢别人按赞的肯定 喜欢别人的关注。也意识到 “想被关注” 已经变成了贬义词，可是我就是没有那些做作耍白痴的帖子，我只是在做我喜欢做的东西也希望大家喜欢。。。

然而就突然中枪了，在对方看来只是要人家按很多的赞那样地自恋博关注。

难道我们要活到互相冷落的地步才算正常吗？

三次元的大家都说 不按赞 不留言 是因为自己的生活很忙 看过就算 没有时间去按赞留言
那我想问 你们怎么不会忙到连面子书都不上去删啊？
面子书是社交平台 冷清清的户口要来干嘛

有时候（好吧是很多时候）不喜欢三次元的世界 因为不喜欢那种时常做作的气氛 不是我不能融入，是觉得融入了也好像没什么意义。要参与他们 就要假假去喜欢去配合他们的兴趣，他们的话题，很不自由的那种，很多约束。可是在cos圈的生活就不一样，没有人会在意你喜欢男男恋，女女恋，伪郎伪娘伪动物等等，女生打game男生收集美美的珍藏品都好，大家的思想都比较开放。玩在一起同团过就是朋友，买过一次二手就是朋友，常留言关注就是好友。。。

当然cos圈也有乱有各种drama的时候，互相喷来喷去也是常有的现象，不过到最后众人还是可以玩得乐在其中，只要有努力过就好。对衣架子（就那些完全不懂动漫可是偏偏要cos其角色）睁一只眼就好，反正对cos没有真正的爱也容易腻了很难在圈子呆很久。

最开心也就是得到肯定被别人说还原的时候，人家看到本命（自己最喜欢的角色）会想到我的时候，去到会场被人兴奋勾搭还对我说 “在面子书关注好久终于勾搭到你了！要合照！” 或者是 “竟然抓到一只 xx! 好喜欢这个角色呀！” 或者是 “啊啊啊终于有人出这版本这角色好开心！”  的时候， 那种感觉是在三次元的生活很难感受到的。

为了还原的照片或者是更好的角度 要我爬山爬墙爬栏杆爬树下稻田下沟渠下海都没问题。。

嗯想说的就是这样吧 :) 当然有被拒绝的时候，不过那是让我更还原的动力，真的努力到很好的话有天会被关注的我知道！

所以那个朋友（其实不算朋友）说了什么我都忘了哈哈哈。